Remembering Kelly

The last few days have been hard ones for me. On Sunday evening, my friend Kelly succumbed to Colon Cancer. I won't say she "lost her battle," because she didn't lose. In the end, she died the way she lived...on her own terms. She was only 29.

I feel such a mix of emotions. Regret is a big one. Kelly and I met when I taught at Carroll, and for that school year we spoke every day. When I left the school, we only saw each other every few months or so. I knew she was sick, why didn't I try harder to spend time with her? Because I never felt like this would happen. Over the years that Kelly had cancer, I always said, "Yeah, Kelly is sick...but she's going to be fine. She'll get over this! She's a fighter!" By the time I truly accepted how sick she was, she was too weak to see anyone but family and her very closest friends. The last time I saw her was when we went to jointly celebrate our birthdays. Maybe that's a blessing...my memories of her will always be happy ones. I don't have images of her in the hospital seared into my mind like some of her other friends do. I selfishly wish I could have spent more time with her, said "Goodbye," but I really don't think that is what she would have wanted. Instead, when I think of our goodbye, I see us sitting on the patio at her favorite Italian restaurant, laughing about life and watching her attempt to eat a bowl of pasta bigger than her tiny body!

Yesterday I was listening to the radio when a song by Miley Cyrus (of all people!) came on. I started to just bawl. I wrapped my arms around Maddie and felt completely overcome with pain. Why? Why her and not me? Why do I have this beautiful life, so full of love, and her life is over? I don't understand. I don't deserve the happiness God has blessed me with. I have never understood my purpose in life. But I think Kelly's passing taught me something about myself. Maybe my purpose in life is simply to BE THERE for others. To comfort those closer to Kelly than I was, like my good friend Elizabeth. To lift up my husband in prayer and make his home a refuge. And to raise my daughter, who is a daily reminder that God does answer prayers. Maybe my purpose in this life is to help them acheive THIER greater purpose. Thank you, Kelly, for teaching me something that has eluded me for so long.

On a lighter note, I called my friend Elizabeth to tell her, "If Kelly is tuned to my station from Heaven right now, she is TICKED that I am listening to Miley Cyrus and crying over her!" Elizabeth agreed...Aerosmith maybe, but not Miley!

I have said to several people that I think the best way for me to remember Kelly is to try to be more like her. She was the type of person who would have wanted to leave this world a better place. All through her cancer struggle, she never complained. She never asked why. She simply tried to find ways to help others. She kept her positive outlook until the end, when she decided she was ready to go. So I am going to attempt to emulate her by trying to be more appreciative of the many blessings in my life. She is probably laughing at me...she knows I'm a complainer by nature! I'm going to try my best, Kelly!

Kelly was loved by many people...her family of course, her husband, friends from school, college, work, teaching and her students. Please pray that they all find peace, and comfort in the knowledge that she is no longer in pain. She was confident that she would be in Heaven and able to watch over those that loved her, but I know she would want us all to pray for them.